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Thursday, October 01, 2009

i miss u like hell

i'm almost in tears becuz i'm weird n emo like dat.. dis is 4 u jue.. i noe we havn't really been in touch for quite sum time now, as in really had a talk.. i'm genuinely sorry for that.. n now, when u might be facing the toughest time ever, i dun feel like i've been there for u as i should have.. i promise i'll make it up 2 u.. i juz read ur post n i think i understand where u're getting at.. u're not ready yet.. but really, who is? u can make arrangements and plan a huge wedding (or an engagement) for a year, but when that moment comes, how ready will you be? the butterflies will be there, the second thought will for sure be there, it's just the matter of taking that first n crucial step.. the 1st step dat u anticipated ur whole life, be it now or d next 5 years.. n when u do take dat chance, u'll embrace the moment becuz it's urs.. it might not be what u expected but at least u're getting there..

we both noe i'm d least suitable person 2 talk about this.. given d lack of history i have.. but who cares =p so lets do this one by one k..

whut if u find some else? someone better? when will that be? a week after ur engagement? a month? or a year? but whut if u don't? lets take a step back here.. is ur main concern loosing a batter shot at happy endings? or is it on cheating him? bottom line, it's not something dat is certain.. it may or may not happen.. but if it does, we'll figure out sumthing together..

u want a stagnant relationship? where's d fun in dat? u dun want him 2 change, yet u're not satisfy wif d way he is now? so, u want him 2 stay like dis forever? out of all ur serious relationshipS, i noe him less.. so i'm not really sure to what extent is he 'suffocating' u.. i can't really guess whut he'll be like after this.. but whut i'm sure is dat change is good.. it's just how u handle it n make out of it dat matters.. find sumthing dat u truly love about him, dat made u stay wif him for this long, n hang on to it.. as for d opposites, lets just look at d glass as half full for d time being.. if it's something u can tolerate now, it'll be a norm later.. but if it's not, den why r u wif him??? hahahah

n feelings? u're not excited to marry him as oppose to ad, posoi, man....? by dat, do u realise sumthing? list down nani's characteristics, den ad, posoi, man... u might find (from my point of view) d things u dislike about ur former bfs is dat they hurt u, be it physically or emotionally.. whereas for nani, it's jus d things dat he's paranoid about becuz he loves u.. n again, i dun really noe him or d rest for dat matter, so i might be wrong..

this might be a bit outdated, since u said u've accepted this.. i hope this doesn't make u feel worse... dat wasn't really whut i aimed for =p i hope it works out good for u.. i have 2 say i won't be there physically, but i'll hold ur hand dat day *kening2* (still xphm ker?) whutever it is, u noe we'll look out for u, both me n kin..

Friday, September 11, 2009

Ring the Bell

today was productive.. any guess why? well, for start, i got my first deal in.. woot!! it was my 2nd week at Marcus Evans and my 4th day on d floor.. quite an accomplishment i must say.. so on top of my half paycheck n d 10% commission, i got another 250 as d 1st person to close a deal which was an intensive promised to us.. so double woot for payday =D i havn't been posting anything lately, esp about my new job.. thins is, i'm tied up with work, what with all the lead research i'm supposed to be doing but lacking.. i can't concentrate on one thing for even an hour without being distracted.. TV too near? probably.. so how about a new laptop.. hopefully by end of this year i could afford one.. keeping my fingers crossed for another deal dis week.. not many of us who came for training d other day stayed.. newbies will come soon, i think it's diz friday.. so i really wish my other mates get a deal by then too.. of course it's flattering n overwhelming to be among the 1st, but it's kinda awkward too.. lets all be bigheads together hahaha

since i'm just taking up d time to post an update, i might as well give a quickie about my job.. so basically i'm in a brand bew division in asia pacific which is d professional training division.. we sell trainings (duh!) n currently have 2 topics.. at the moment, my team needs to focus on the thailand market as our target n later on will switch to malaysia.. so whut i do is actually calling up companies to offer the trainings to them.. this job has it's highs n lows.. it sux big time when no one picks up d phone or u're on hold like forever.. but then there are times when d person on d other line is helpful n patient... so after giving them a call n doing a full pitch, we need to drop them an email along with our program n arrange a call back time.. Karen helped me with d callbacks which basically is to get d decision on their part.. n if it's a yes, they'll register n pay everything.. once the fax is in, dat means u got a deal n at Marcus Evans, we ring the bell!!

so yeah, i got to ring my 1st bell!! thus d title.. i'm tired.. it's actually 15th september today.. i noe this is a delayed post.. i just can't find d time to properly update this.. on dat note, i'll c ya soon... happy hari raya..

Saturday, August 29, 2009


i guess i should elaborate more about this week.. well, i just got my first job so i think it's sumthing to brag about hahah no one reads this blog anyway.. lets take this one step at a time.. i kinda fast forward things in my previous post cuz my dad was tapping his feet away (ok, he wasn't).. so..

i finally decided to dedicate this day to start job hunting.. i finished my final exam on 9th june, which means i already had 2months of break which should be more than enuff.. off course there was the thing wif my grand ma n all but it didn't took up most of my time.. so yeah, i logged on to job street while chatting wif jue, n filled out my resume click click n we're done.. i gave her my username and password so she helped me applied for jobs too, hence the gratitude i owe her muahaha so yeah, that's where it all began..

when jobless, we usually sleep late right? i mean that's the point of being free, no alarm to wake us up for the day cuz of the responsibilities we have (except for early breakfast la since it's ramadhan) so it was about 10am when i got a phone call.. i was asleep but i made the most cheerfull voice ever to cover it up.. besides, it was an anonymous number.. it was a woman on the other line, Karen Chan, saying that she received my resume from jobstreet.. she gave a quick intro bout Marcus Evans n also the job that she was about to offer.. then later she told me to check my email after our conversation for more info which include the company's website n more info bout the professional training that i was supposed to sell if i do want job.. i was ecstatic that i literally told anyone who meant anything to me hehehe so i called her back at 3:15pm as she told me to, to let her noe i was interested bout d job n set up an interview which was on the next morning..

i woke up super early cuz the interview was at 9am n i should be there by 8:45 cuz there were forms i need to fill in.. so by 7:30, i was outta the house.. my dad sent me to tmn bahagia's lrt station n i stopped at kl sentral to take the monorail n stopped at bkt bintang, then i had to walk to the central plaza building which took 5minutes top.. i got there around 8:30 so i had to wait at d reception area.. a guy working there gave me a few tips before the interview.. basically it was to show how determine i was to get the job, confidence and a positive attitude.. then Karen came out, n after i finished filling up d form, we proceeded to the meeting room where it all happened.. she explained in detail how the job should be done n asked questions like "why should we choose u over the other candidates" "whut would u say are ur strengths" "could u picture yourself working here in the long run" "this job, although not often, requires u to face rejection, so whut will you do if after 3weeks, u couldn't get anyone to agree to join our training" and so on.. these r the main things she asked that i could remember.. i think the fact that i was excited to attend a job interview helped me alot wif answering the questions.. i tried not to be fake so much heheh so i tried to be realistic wif my answers.. so it took about one and a half hour for it to go down.. i reached home n felt pretty good about myself.. haa

thursday already? i set my alarm at 8:25am cuz i need to call her back between 8:30 till 9am to find out whether i got the job or not.. n as we all noe now, i got it!! yeay for me right hahaha

so i'll be starting next tuesday, i hope it all goes well.. i'll be given some training before i start.. i need to get 3 delegate in a month block in order to finish my probation.. i noe i havn't started working yet but i kinda feel good about this job.. hey, gotta be optimistic right? however, i dun think my parents see me doing this as a career.. my mum kept saying, "xpela keje ni dlu, sementara tu cr keje laen" whut if i dun want to? off course i'll see how i am at being a sales exec, but i think it's sumthing i can cope wif.. so wish me luck ppl *wink*

Friday, August 28, 2009

Part 2

ok, inner voice, i'll listen to you this time..


you caught me at a different time where i was wiser and stronger,
i have the ability to control myself and naive, i was no longer,
so i couldn't care less when i didn't hear from you, not even a single word,
cuz i'm better than you and most importantly, i think you're absurd.

Thursday, August 27, 2009


so ppl, whut do i have in store for u today? plenty, off course.. well, for start, i finally got my degree!! woot!! convocation was held last week on d 18th.. n i was green.. like literally green.. was kinda embarrassed at 1st but later on i thot so whut.. it's one day, My Day to be exact, and i'll be wearing my robe after all.. it was awesome.. at first i didn't really get the hype of graduating, i mean how many ppl in this world exactly has a degree.. but then, it meant dat i actually accomplish sumthing, sumthing dat my dad paid huge ka-ching for.. so yeah, dat morning i got all excited and was all smile dat day.. should i tell more about it? well i have more topics to talk about so lets juz get on to it =b

so whut usually comes next after graduating? you betcha, a job.. n yeah i got a job already.. double woot!! off course i'll be on probation 1st, but i can't get over the fact dat i could actually be employed hahaha so basically, while preparing my resume, i was chatting wif jue (shoutout to u) n she told me to go to jobstreet and so i did.. we start clicking and applying for job on monday.. and on tuesday, i got a call while i was sleeping.. so to make it short, i went for an interview yesterday, n i did thought it went well.. and this morning, it was confirmed dat i got it.. and who said i didn't rock haha papa's waiting for his turn.. might update more later...

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


my little boy has grown into a handsome young man,
who's surprisingly perverted and horny as you can,
what are you trying to do? i asked him, i'm trying to turn you on,
while we sat on a couch and cuddle till dawn,
erk stop it, it tickles and plus it's kinda gross,
fine, you said, and played with my hair n nose,
i felt like kissing you then, while still in this moment here,
but i can't bring myself to do it, after all, you just stuck your tongue in my ear.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Open to public

so this blog is open back to public... havn't been updating for awhile.. last time i really wrote about whut was happening was in april after my tok cik's death.. it's august now.. in the next 5 days, i'll be having my convocation.. i finally finished college n will be getting my degree soon.. woot!! kinda excited for the day but then i fear the days after.. gotta start straighten up stuff wif my resume n all n start job hunting.. yikes.. owh well, that's life aight, u gotta go thru phases..

back in june, my grandma on my dad's side was admitted to the hospital for a minor surgery, but for her age (she's about 83 years old) it's considered a major surgery.. it had sumthing to do with her nerves n it was causing her pain so she had it checked.. on top of dat, she has an ulcer in her stomach.. she was there for about a week n room was packed constantly, since we're a big family.. so i had fun bonding wif her.. my sisters weren't close to our grandma on my dad's side as close we were with our grandma on my mum's side.. mostly cuz on my mum's side, there's only the 6 of us as grandchildren while on my dad's, we had 60+ cuzins.. so after spending time wif her, sleeping over at the hospital, we felt closer, which i think is very important.. she's doing well now, recovering.. although she seems weaker now.. less gardening since she can't walk so far..

july is another story.. i went to australia which is kinda awesome.. but i think i'll leave that for another post.. this seems long enuff.. besides, i gotta get ready.. currently in ukm at my sister's place.. juz hanging out =b


Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Our Mak

kak min, a suggestion.. take the gurl in the ad "pdan, tak padan" to be orked at 10...

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

the best day

I'm five years old it’s getting cold I’ve got my big coat on
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides look now the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home

I don’t know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you’re not scared of anything at all
Don’t know if snow white’s house is near or far away
But i know I had the best day with you today

I’m thirteen now and don’t know how my friends could be so mean
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop till I forgot all their names

I don’t know who I’m gonna talk to now at school
But I know I’m laughing on the car ride home with you
Don’t know how long it’s gonna take to feel ok
But I know I had the best day with you today

I have an excellent father
His strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother
Inside and out he’s better than I am

I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run
And I had the best days with you

There is a video I found from back when i was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you’re talking to me
It’s the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
Daddy’s smart and you’re the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

Now I know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
Staying back and watching me shine and I didn’t know if you knew
So I’m taking this chance to say that I had the best day with you today

Taylor Swift

Thursday, April 02, 2009

it never gets easy

yesterday was April Fools' Day.. the thing about it is dat we sumtimes wished that sum1 was pranking us.. take yesterday for example.. my dad's uncle passed.. the second i noticed him stop breathing, i was hoping dat he'd wake up n say 'gotcha'.. but then the doctor came along with 2 nurses.. no one was laughing.. it was no joke.. he was gone..

the thing about death is, no matter how often it occurs, it never gets easier.. i was almost hyperventilating yesterday.. i was never in the same room with the angel of death.. it was indeed the first time i witness sum1 taking their last breath.. it was hard.. my sister was kinda mad at me for not calling her earlier to tell her that he was critical.. it got me thinking, what would u like ur last memory of him be? would u like to see him almost well, him seeing u come 2 visit, holding his hand n tell him to rest cuz it hurts to tell him u love him? or would u rather see him suffer n watch him die?

i dun wanna choose

Monday, March 23, 2009

juz a quickie

things got a little out of hand..
it won't be the same, really..
i feel the distance..

Monday, March 02, 2009


didn't i say dat i'll be lazying around a lot if i took only 1 subject? well, that's how it is now.. days passed and it's already the 3rd week of the semester.. i'll be picking up my text book later on so should start reading then.. the past 2 weeks i've been going to cls for a total of 4hours per week n the rest of time, i'll be either sleeping in my room, listening to music, reading story books or surfing the web.. not a very healthy n preoccupied lifestyle if u ask me..

other than that, i've been thinking bout stuff to do this year.. i've mentioned earlier on that i won't be making any new year resolution, but then i'll keep in mind to make sure that i'll do a couple of things that i think will be necessary for me which are keeping track of my spendings n to gain more general knowledge or juz random information.. kinda weird but it's juz sumthing that popped in to my head lately..

on another note, i lost my pen drive.. kinda bummed about it cuz i had my short story, another daydream in it which is not yet complete but with more content in it compare to what i've written in my book.. i miss writing so much.. havn't been 'inspired' lately, thus the lack of poetry posted here..

running out of ideas.. craving for japanesse food rite now.. thinking of going for lunch wif my sister on friday while keeping in mind to watch my spendings.. will update soon..

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors 
It's the morning of your very first day
You say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while
Try to stay out of everybody's way
It's your freshman year and your gonna be here
For the next four years in this town
Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say
You know I haven't seen you around, before

Cause when your fifteen and
Somebody tells you they love you
Your gonna believe them
And when your fifteen feeling like
There's nothing else to figure out
Well count to ten, take it in this life before you know
Who your gonna be
At Fifteen

You sit in class next to a redhead named Abigail
And soon enough your best friends
Laughing at the other girls who think their so cool
We'll be out of here as soon as we can
And then your on your very first date and he's got a car
And your feeling like flying
And your mama's waiting up and your thinkin he's the one
And your dancing round the room when the night ends
When the night ends

Cause when your fifteen and
Somebody tells you they love you
Your gonna believe them
When your fifteen and your first kiss
Makes your head spin round but
In your life you'll do things greater than
Dating the boy on the football team
but I didn't know at fifteen

When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now

Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine
And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind
And we both cried

Cause when your fifteen and
Somebody tells you they love your gonna believe him
And when your fifteen
Don't forget to look before you fall
I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who your supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen

taylor swift

Monday, February 23, 2009

bottomline, i dun really trust men.. i dun trust them when they're with me and i dun trust myself when i'm with them..

p/s: i wish my grandfather was still alive so i can truly witness love as pure as it is..

Sunday, February 22, 2009

does music defines you?

sometimes, u can tell what kind of person an individual is by the songs they listen to.. i'm being a stereotype here when i say people who loves rock are usually rebel and live a rather wild life.. hip youngsters listen to r&b or maybe pop.. and lets not start about emo here.. usually, an image goes along with this.. rockers usually wear black, hip hoppers wear baggy clothes i guess, and those people with heavy eyeliners? take a guess.. so where does a universal person like me stand? i definitely love music and could accept almost all kinds of music.. i dun have an image to go with it cuz i hardly care about it.. so what does people see when they look at me? a girl who can't make up my mind? or am i so easily pleased?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

i watch too much oprah

i think we need more self-respect..when u treat urself with more love and care, others will tend to do the same.. however, people don't always turn out the way we thought they would.. and so it may be crucial to get to know someone before letting them in.. but then, like one of my acquaintance once said "even after some time, how well will u noe someone".. and as much as i like to think that it'll take time, the truth speaks out by itself.. is there really a person who is willing to give their all to another? will they leave nothing left? not even a spot of privacy or secret that they like to keep to themselves, and forever cherish and burried together alongside their lifeless body? true, there may be people out there who are trusty enough to do so.. but is it worth it?

i, for one, always build a wall or even put on a mask whenever meeting people.. it's hard for me to really show people the kind of person i am, mainly because of the fear of being judge eventho i know people will still judge me otherwise..

so what is this all about? well, i think we should love ourselves more and dun expect much from others.. like what my cousin said during one of our 'deep talks', "don't depend on others n dun let others depend on u".. off course he was talking about general things, but i can't help but relate it to love too (trying not to get mushy here).. u can't really expect others to love u as much as u love urself.. or let them put u 1st ahead of themselves.. i mean, why should they rite? will u do the same? but mayb, if u let them noe, that u do matter, they will indirectly make u matter to them too.. and so supporting my previous note, that by treating urself better, others might do the same..

fingers crossed

Monday, February 16, 2009

starting the countdown

it's 8 am, and i'm already in college, excited that clses are now in session.. it's kinda weird to find myself anticipating this day, but i guess 2 months break was way too long for me.. it's good to go out and meet people again =b so here i am, in the comp lab so early in the morning.. cls will start at 10, so i'm having a 2 hrs head start on things.. will need to meet claudine later regarding my law subject which is no longer offered, so i need to ask her about emailing rowena to delete my minor, which i was looking forward to see on my certificate later on.. then i need to go to the bursary to get my money back.. too much hassle for the first day, but i guess i somewhat need it.. i went to bed around 1am last nite but was unable to sleep until 3am.. woke up at 6:30am this morning, which makes a total of 3hrs n 30mins of sleep.. i hope i won't have a nap afterwards since i'm hoping to sleep early tonight.. adjusting my sleeping hrs last week obviously didn't do the trick.. or mayb i wasn't that strict with myself.. hmm, i suppose that was it..

anyway, i'm very excited for cls to start.. it's kinda disturbing to think that nam yen and i are the only ppl from our intake left this sem.. i really do hope that we get through this sem n finally graduate.. at least there'll be familiar faces on our convocation.. so nuff said, fingers cross, n i'll be updating more soon enuff


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

i've learnt that...

the friends you make and the guys you attract, reflects what kind of person you are..

so who am i?

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

the thin line between good and bad

i wish i knew


it's been awhile since i last blabbered about pointless stuff.. truth is, i wasn't really sure how to put in words whut i was currently thinking.. on the other hand, i no longer feel like pouring my heart out in this blog.. mainly because it feels like my privacy has been invaded by trespassers.. but then they won't be trespassers if i didn't allow them rite? nevertheless, i should just ignore these mere distractions and start writing anyway.. =p

so my question for today, is what really makes a person good? is it the intentions the initially have? the actions they take? or the outcomes of it? do u judge a person religiously, or merely as a human being in general?

i've never killed anyone, so am i good? i lie almost everyday in my life, so am i bad? sometimes, the things i do made me question myself..

i've faced a couple of situation where something bad happened n i chose to let it be without really voicing my opinion or rather disagree n try to prevent it from happening.. whut does dat say about me really? ignorant, that's it..

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Dear God

Is this what it takes to make me see,
Is this what it takes to make me believe,
Cause honestly I can't take it anymore,
It hurts me to see her crawled up on the floor,
To see her treated like a piece of meat,
To hear her cry after every beat,
I looked away as a hand raised in the air,
Followed by a scream so loud that i cannot bare,
Why did u create men so cruel,
And just watch them break every single rule,
Dear God I'm begging you, take him away,
Let us be happy even for just one day.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


the last two post somehow compliments each other..

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Weeping Willow

Weeping willow with your tears running down,
Why do you always weep and frown,
Is it because he left you one day,
Is it because he could not stay,
On your branches he would swing,
Do you long for happiness that day would bring,
He found shelter in your shade,
You thought his laughter will not fade,
Weeping willow stop your tears,
There is something to calm your fears,
You think death has ripped you forever apart,
But i know he'll always be in your heart.

Vada Sultenfuss

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

suicide note

as i looked up to the sky, i see you looking down on me,
do you think this is a joke? cuz you're laughing at my tragedy,
you took the only friend i ever had,
you left me feeling depress and sad,
you took her far far away,
and now you expect me to pray,
right now i wonder if you really do care,
cuz you gave me this pain that i cannot bare,
sometimes i wonder if you really exist,
cuz i have this temptation that i cannot resist,
i want to end this and never look back,
i want to stop this cuz it's strength that i lack,
i locked myself in my room, thinking of ways,
for calmness and peace to finally stay,
i imagine cutting my wrist and blood pouring out,
that method is messy, that's what i've heard about,
i could hang myself eight feet from the ground,
that way would be clean and i won't make a sound,
but then i've always wanted to jump of a building,
it'll be great looking down and imagine myself flying,
either way i'll be reunited with my friend again,
for this girl is broken and i can never be mend.


a year ago

so we're in 2009 now and a year ago, i made a few resolutions.. did i keep up with 'em? hell no.. i didn't practise playing my guitar (i think i have zero hand coordination), i didn't excercise regularly (my hoola hoop is still sitting there being abandoned), nor did i eat wisely (i spent so much money on food, i can't help it).. however, i guess i did manage to study more (i got a distinction for SM, while MRA results aren't out yet but i noe i passed), and i even made new frens (tho i dun keep in touch wif 'em regularly).. owh, n i didn't update this blog as much as i wanted too... last november looked like a good start but then it went downhill.. who can u blame, i was born lazy...

so this year, i won't be putting on any high hopes for a better person or what so ever.. i juz wanna be happy and regardless how cheesy it might sound, it's all that matters.. i wish my grandmas will live happily n healthy throughout this year.. i wish my lil sis could enjoy her course at least a bit, as i enjoy mine (cuz basically, we're stuck wif it, without it being our choice).. n lastly, world peace!! seriously, reading the news nowadays are devastating.. especially with the war on Gaza going on.. it makes us thankful for the life we live here..

so whut's in for this year... i really hope i pass my last two subjects so i could finally graduate.. the idea of delaying another year really haunts me n i dun wanna end up graduating alone without my clsmates.. after i graduate, i hope it wouldn't be that hard for me to find a job.. i'm very excited to earn my own money n spend it like fireworks (got dat from natalie).. i think that's all there is for this year, in terms of things that are for sure to happen.. other than that, who knows.. i juz hope it all goes well..

World Peace