Downer

Sometimes you set goals to better yourself.. when you're me, you'll know that following through you're goals are very challenging especially when it's always the same goal... and when you're me, you'll know that setting goals usually ends in failure..  yet, i keep doing them.. Shaytober is no different with Shaytember or any other new year resolution i used to have.. yet, going through it, it did feel different.. for once, i really did do what i set my mind to.. although not completely, but i am happy with what i did so far.. and the one thing i had control over is the consumption of my food.. thinking about this in my head, i understand a little bit more about bulimia, anorexia or the opposite of it, obesity.. in short, i think i'm one step closer to understand how people have food disorder.. it is really the one thing that seems easy enough to take control of.. 

but having said that, and not being in denial or anything, i don't think i have a food disorder.. yes, i used to eat what i want, but i'll stop whenever i'm stuffed.. and now, although i pick and choose what i eat, it's a step for me to be healthy and eat healthy.. so when i had an 'excuse' to better myself (which is participating in Shaytober), this time, i did my best to set realistic goals and follow through them.. i won't list them out here, it's already depressing enough to read my previous goals.. but i have it all in my head.. i knew October would be a challenging month given the circumstances, but i had a plan in my head, compromising with myself, give and take.. 

I knew it wouldn't be easy, nothing really is.. so i don't strict myself too much.. i have my cheat days.. weekends.. two days a week should definitely be enough to devour my cravings right? off course it is.. just look at the first weekend itself.. but i try not to be so hard on myself because i decided to have those cheat days.. i decided how much is enough.. i won't consume and cover what i had deny myself of.. because then, what's the point of it right.. so i did felt empowered (in some way) about this.. 

but then it happened... i caved in... not to my temptations but to others' request.. and that one minor decision i made, to care about others more than my own principles, was a major downer.. all those resisting, restricting myself and saying no, feeling a sense of accomplishment and proud, somehow it all just evaporated... it was nothing really.. very petty to compare.. and yet it had a huge impact on things.. how fragile can these feelings be.. i shouldn't over think this actually, but it kind of summarizes things.. even though i did my best, the conclusion will still be that i failed.. and that's just the thing that's bothering me.. not doing things on my terms but on others instead... even if i did the 300 challenge workout, i will always be haunted by that one bite.. and that's how negativity works.. even the slightest little negativity.. it just shoves all the positive thing you build up aside and make them seem worthless.. 

and that, my friend, is what i call weakness...