All My Life I've Been Good But Now.....

oh oh oh oh oh i'm thinking what the hell...

yikes, all these long hours of work is making me cranky... i remember saying that i won't let work overwhelm me n effect my family life but now i think it's starting to take a toll on things.. for one, i'm starting to dream about work.. and that's definitely a bad sign... it happened twice already... one was during the weekend, and the other was just last night... i could still remember the huge glass board that they used to write all the hour-to-hour mock migration plan... creepy... n last night's dream (or shall i say nightmare?) was even weirder (is that a word?) n odd cuz it wasn't about work but some ppl from work was in it n the thing that disturb me the most was how my grandfather was in it...  dun get me wrong, i love dreaming about him... and as real as last night's dream was, i should be excited right? but that dream was about him coming home after 15 years of "being away" when by right, he had actually passed away... not to say that we prefer him gone in that dream, it just meant that he sorta like fake his own death and just dissapeared from our lives...

i remember feeling shocked the first time i see him, n that look on my mother's face seeing her father once again... we said things like how could this be? but we watched u being buried.. etc... n it was painful to hear when he said he left.. then someone was saying how he got married n had another family and so on... then in that dream i was wondering, what made him come back... after 15 years of being away... n suddenly there was this newspaper in front of me saying that there was a flood in someplace, which he happens to be staying at.. n then suddenly it hits my head n i thought that he had nowhere else to go after the flood so he decided, hey, maybe i should check back with my other family.... u see the hardest part about having a dream that's seems real is having to feel it... i could feel the confusion n all.. i could feel the pain of missing him n wanting to hug him but refraining myself to do so cuz he just hurt my family...  how could this be the same man i love 15 years ago... and then i woke up, n i was relief... u see how sucky that was... dreaming about a person u are craving to meet again but in that way... why can't i have a normal dream.. if i wanted drama, i'll go watch a movie... i dun need my dreams to be complicated ok (note to brain - get a new scripwriter)

enough bout the dreams la... but would really like to see what "dream analyst" have to say about that heheheh could be interesting right... anyway, this weekend we'll have another run of hour-to-hour mock migration...it's tiring but then again, everyone else is also tired so can't complain much... i wake up, go to work, go back n sleep... mothers @ fathers have their spouse n kids to attend to so it's tougher for them...even i can't imagine going through this while being married n have kids... i've always had my mother as an example on what kind of mother i want to be, n what i want to be is the kind of mother who's there for her kids throughout their life, raising them every step of the way... so being a mother who has a career havn't really sunk in yet with me...

it's morning, i'm sleepy n cranky, my mind can't really focus so excuse the nonsense and blabbering... this is just one of those post that serve no purpose n looks haywire to outsiders...  but to me, i just feel like writing something.. anyway, shikin is getting engaged this weekened.. n due to the migration stuff, i won't be able to make it.. not like i was trully invited anyway  =b  heard it from Jue.. taking a step back, i think we've really grown apart n at this point of time, i dun really give a shit about it..  i've been obsessed with my best frens for as long as i can remember, i've put them on a pedestal so high where they can't do no wrong n they'll come first before my family.. but i think as time goes by, i'm starting to learn how to let go.. i'm learning to loosen up my grip on the past n appreciate what i have now.. and what i have now is my family... sure they'll always have a speacial place inside of me.. i mean they'll always be the only ppl in this world that i'll fully trust n noe who understand me (at some point at least).. they're the only one who's seen both sides of me, the good the bad..they're the only one that i'll be comfortable talking to about anything.. n only with them (besides my family), i could be me, the person under these skins.. no walls whatsoever.. thay've broken that barrier no one else seems to tear down, but now that it's down, it's like i've flown away to another place where it's hard for them to reach... so the only thing now that's keeping us apart is the distance that seems to grow even wider... reaching out to each other (or at least to me) would just need that extra leap.. one that i have taken for granted.. one that i have always taken for granted with just about everyone..

see, blabbering off again... can't wait for this project to finally be over or at least for this phase.. hopefully, 25/26th June would really be the day we all were looking forward to since 1 and half yrs ago... i'm not sure how much longer i can last going through this for weeks.. after we finally cutover, i want to take a whole week of n just slack around.. taking a break from all this.. thankfully i have teammates that could take the weight off my shoulder n make this project bareable.. but there are also some unrelevant useless ppl hanging around doing god-knows-what n i'm kinda getting sick of it.. so yeah i'll be a bitch to them.. simple, i dun entertain idiots  =b

now, back to work!!!